Zealousideal-Ebb-876

Zealousideal-Ebb-876 t1_itjkql6 wrote

Reply to comment by Choano in [WP] You are suddenly transported to the oldest time of your country's history, and you discover that you are immortal, indestructible, infinitely patient and strong, have access to all of humanity's future knowledge, and can summon any object from your timeline. You set out to change the world. by socron_gaelith

"Cool, now I'm here, what should I bring back first.... how about my comment on reddit?"

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Zealousideal-Ebb-876 t1_iswn5id wrote

Reply to comment by Robysto7 in [WP] You are a supersoldier. After years of service you are betrayed and left for dead. You now travel, looking for a purpose. by frostbytegold

I like it, good intruige with some good potential, I personally like feedback from my submissions even if I never get any, so I added a few things, if you could care less about my opinions then, by all means, ignore the rest of this long-winded comment.

Add more detail to combat, a quick kill is great in a movie but in reading it's far more gripping if you add as much detail as possible, within reason. It helps a reader visualize and even better if you write it with the emotion behind it, its hard to visualize an emotionless kill.

Dialogue is important but it more important to explain, or even better, to show the inner workings of a persons thought process. When you have the guard that just realized he was going to die no matter what he did, he just have in and told the protagonist what he needed to know. Why? Was he afraid he would be tortured further or did he feel morally conflicted about the situation? Did he feel he was redeeming himself at the end of maybe a not-so-honest career?

You have potential as a writer so I hope these don't come off as demeaning, try rewriting what you have here with those points in mind and I hope you'll see what I mean. Regardless of what I've said you still have some good work here and I hope you'll continue writing in the future.

2 quick notes if you care about realism; there's no benefit to using c4 on glass, it won't even fragment and turn the room beyond into a blender, it will just briefly and lightly sand blast the entire room, enough to blind someone staring straight at it but little else. Also, radio silence is only of value if it's imposed well outside the op zone for initial detection, for escape it would only be helpful if you made a quiet entrance and I can assure you they dont make silencers for plastics.

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