I bet that took some time.... Thank you for all that! While I've heard some of that before, it's always good to be reminded (especially by someone who actually does understand). I have a lot of significant health issues and right now, I don't have the brain clarity to think all this through, but I didn't want to leave ya hanging either. I think I like that idea of making it a separate entity you're at war with.... But I'll give this all a good read through tomorrow. Again, thank you!!! And please don't hesitate to reach out if you (or anyone else in the reddit world who's reading this)ever need someone to chat with who gets the whole depression & anxiety world too. I'm always happy to listen.

I'm not great, but I'm nowhere near my worst right now. I know what ya mean about the meds. When things take a turn for the worst, I do go back on a cocktail that has been somewhat helpful for me until I can get a grip on things again, but try to wean off when life has become more stable for a decent period of time (all under doctor supervision- I don't just go off and on willy nilly, I'm talking over the course of years here, it's dangerous to mess with your meds....) But I can't stay on them indefinitely, like you said, they make me feel like I'm not real after awhile and deaden my emotional range even more than it already is.

I've pushed away my share of people- some in fear of being hurt, but most because they just don't get it. Bad advice and hurtful 'support' can easily push me into a downward spiral, and I don't need real people feeding the lies I've already told myself.... Other people fade away when you don't let them 'fix' you. Some I've pushed away because it hurts to watch them live a life full of typical ups and downs that just aren't in the cards for me. To some extent, working to accept that this is how my body and mind function and that it always will be a part of me has been helpful. But then again, the depressed and anxious brain can quickly get stuck on that and twist it into ugliness real quick. It's a never-ending cycle...

YES!!! They're amazing!!!!

All of this.... Yup. For me, at my lowest, my thoughts weren't 'i want to die', but more of an 'i don't know how I can continue living' or 'i can't spend the rest of my life like this' kind of thought. For me, sometimes it's a pain or a sadness, but most of the time it's a complete lack of all feelings, which I find worse than the sadness. Feeling nothing also means never feeling anything good again, and then I'm stuck in a 'what's the point of doing anything ever' mindset where I literally cannot make myself care about anything or feel anything.

I know depression and anxiety is different for everyone, and everyone has their own unique life, but the battle with your own thoughts, that's a universal reality for anyone with depression and anxiety.... between what's realistic and the lies, between honoring what you've been through and being suffocated by them, etc.... It's just so hard.

Thanks for your honest explanation of your experiences and your willingness to share. It helps. And when it comes to this issue, every bit of help counts.

Life is hard.... But so much harder when you can't even trust your own thoughts and feelings. This was a hauntingly beautiful description of a complex issue- well done.