Hi Ashleywave14. Thank you for your question. If lack of sex is the only problem then I would refer out to couples therapy with a certified Sexologist.

Hi ZTwilight. There could be a variety of things going on for AP so I can’t give a blanket statement on reason to accept a partial relationship. I can say that self esteem can be one reason. Other times, when things start, they don’t actually believe they will be in an affair situation. After continual contact they begin to form feelings that they did not anticipate. This is the “playing with fire”. After they realize they are in love many times they will “settle for what they can get” because the thought of not being with the person they love is not something they want to confront. Again, this is one of many Scenarios and I hope this is helpful some.

As to the second part, it is often a very large issue that the AP will often struggle with for a long time. Some are not able to get over this part and eventually end relationship, others can move past it after years of living with uncertainties and some learn to accept that it may happen. It is very difficult.

Even in that scenario, which is actually very common, it usually doesn’t change outcome much in my professional experience. Usually there are many other reasons they are not leaving and often they will say things like “you deserve more/better” “if you choose to leave, I would understand” . These are often ways to manipulate someone to stay longer as they are attempting to show they care and give hope in order for things to continue as they are.

I’ve seen many situations where kids are in college, roommate situation is still the same and person doesn’t leave.

Hi Burneracct157. That is a great question. Unfortunately, it’s not a simple one to answer as this takes some time to figure out with my clients in sessions. I can say that part of it is to figure out the reasons Affair started to begin with. Then it’s important to look at what a person is getting out of each relationship and what is missing. Also the outcomes of staying with one and leaving the other. Part of what is done in Therapy is we look each week to deeply discuss emotions that come up during specific interactions in order to come to better realization of what the meaning behind each relationship is. Once things are figured out, we come up with a plan on how to move forward to do it in the gentlest way possible as receiving information of this type can be very painful and traumatic to the other people involved as well as person having affair.

As far as the guilt, this too is a process that takes time as many people around will be judgmental and take sides. It’s a slow process and we work together to discuss guilt, shame, indecisiveness, grief and loss. What I would tell someone in this situation is that everyone deserves to find happiness and peace. Also, an affair does not erase all the good in you nor does it define you. Unfortunately, affairs with people having children happen all the time. Finding ways to end secrecy is an important step to starting the healing process for all parties involved.

Hi Afraid-Beautiful-886. Because I can only give general information, I cannot offer insight unfortunately. In your situation we would need to discuss things much further to help you find some answers. I wish you well.

Hi DangersBabygirl. In my experience MM that have been in a long term affair do not often leave marriage. Children are a “reason” and it’s rarely ever the only reason they are not leaving. If they do, it’s usually years down the line and it’s not a clear break. They often become used to getting the affection from 2 women and continue to want that after they leave.

It is true that there is very little support for both the person that had the affair and the affair partner. I too am not seen as favorable due to fact that these are the people I serve. This is evident by all the downvotes I keep getting. Bottom line is that everyone deserves support and help. Everyone hurts. And even though some will not be understanding of my work, I am here to help those that need it. Please know there is help available for this group of people.

Thank you for your question. A mistake is something that is regrettable. Bad choices might not be something someone regrets. Bad choices could be something someone regrets. Either way does not make it justifiable.

All I can say is there are lots of gray in these situations as there are many different beliefs. This includes culture, religion and upbringing. An answer for one would not fit an answer for another.

Hi KarpGrinder. Thank you for your question. I have only encountered this a handful of times and in these cases we worked on telling partner. To my knowledge all partners were told.

I apologize. I do not know where my response went. Yes, I have several clients in this situation as well. I can’t give a blanket statement as all situations are different and I can say that they too need and deserve support.

I can’t disclose this information due to confidentiality and I can add that abuse is not the only reason it would not be safe to disclose affair. An example I can give is if partner is suicidal.

But there are many reasons. Sometimes it has to do with timing as well.

Hi Novel-Baseball3764. I can’t speak for other therapists and in my work, infidelity is not minimized. The pain of finding out someone cheated on you can be as deep as finding out a loved one died.

Hi Bgoug. Thank you for your question. As a therapist I am able to remove my personal feelings from situation in order to best help my clients. This is how I am able to offer a nonjudgmental space and deeply discuss different views to help clients process ripple effects of actions. I can share that most of my clients are remorseful. Many are actively working on how to disclose the affair or fully disclose details. In some situations, it is not safe to disclose affair.

Thank you very much. I wish you well.

Hi Naughtychick9999. I do have several clients whom are in this situation. I do not have a blanket statement as every situation can be very different but I can say that they too deserve support.

Thank you for your post. For someone struggling with serial affairs it is often an addiction situation and I would recommend a sexual addiction therapist. I would also recommend Sex Addicts Anonymous for continual support. I unfortunately am not an addiction therapist so do not have more information to provide to you. I apologize for that. 😔

Hi SuspiciousWeekend284 👋

I have not. Would you mind crossposting this if you think this could be helpful?

Thank you for your post.

I believe cheating can be both a choice and a mistake.

We definitely work both on remorse and guilt. This is very important in the healing process as they are very different.

I do believe affair fog is real and affair fog does not take away responsibility.

We definitely discuss the ripple affect of actions that include how loved one was hurt and betrayed.

I do often encourage disclosure of details to partner and that is up to each individual client. Not all situations are safe to do so.

We do work on disclosure to partner for those that want to take that step. I do discuss the importance to have full disclosure for those wanting to attempt to work on relationships.

I do work with clients in steps to rebuild trust with partner which do include being “open-books”. This is not a consequence and a way to attempt to show partner they are no longer keeping secrets. This would include access to things requiring passwords, email, phone, schedules, tracking app on phone and cutting all ties with affair partner and peers that encourage cheating.

It is a very delicate subject on whom to tell about the affair, especially family. If a couple wants to work on relationship, telling family or friends can be more harmful in the long run for many people.

I hope this information was helpful to you.

Hi Winston_everlast. Thank you for your question.

Exit Affair - Relationship is already over for person that is cheating and the act of cheating helps give a reason to leave.

One Night Stand Affair - a chance encounter in which most believe no one will ever find out believing no one will get hurt.

Revenge Affair - the other person cheated first and now they want to hurt them like they hurt.

Emotional Affair - when 2 people start off as friends with no intention to cheat. One usually has a “crush” on the other or is physically attracted. Communication becomes secretive and both begin to fantasize about the other without acting on it. Often times personal problems are discussed and flirting is taking place.

Digital Affair - Sexting, sending naked photos, phone sex. Many times no calls or conversations take place that are not focused on sexual acts.

Sexual Affair - Affair without romantic feelings where sexual encounters take place.

Serial Affair - Sexual Addiction

Distraction Affair - A physical affair when a person still loves partner and has affair because they can’t cope with a life event and want a distraction (death, new job, financial problems)

These are not all and I hope this helps

Yes. You can visit my website to set up a free consultation. www.AffairRecoveryCounseling.com

Hi Thenewman978. Thank you for your question. Couples therapy can help several issues. I recommend working with a couples therapist whom is Gottman trained. I will add that both parties must be willing to work on relationship vs blaming and assuming only one person is the problem. Many couple seek out therapy during different parts of a relationship to help with difficult situations or to strengthen relationship.

Even though couples therapy can be beneficial, if one person does not want to be in relationship, it likely won’t help.

Absolutely. I would be happy to elaborate.

1. for example, if a client wanted to work on the relationship after being unfaithful and their partner did not want to work on the relationship or both parties wanted to walk away from the relationship there is lots of grief and loss. Some of those things would include the loss of mutual friendships, the loss of connections with certain family members as family members take sides, the loss of their home if one has to move out, the loss of the ability to see their children regularly if they have children, the loss of having a consistent person in their life , the loss of confidence in decision making. These are just a few. If a person is able to work through the relationship because the other person is an agreement, there is still a loss of what the relationship once was. There is also morning of the loss of trust and respect that their partner had for them.

2. In my practice, I do not tell my clients what to do. I do, however, deeply discuss many different ways one can view a situation to point out important things to consider.

It is true that many times an affair relationship is not one that will last or one that is the best for the client. I will also add that there are times where Affair Relationships do work out and last.

Most often, both parties are in denial anything could happen when innocent flirting starts. Majority of women I work with are monogamous and do not believe cheating is ever right. In situations that you described, one person usually has a “crush” on the other person. As they spend more time together the red flag is secrecy and sharing stories of personal problems.

Emotional affairs are more common when a woman seeks out to cheat vs a man. Emotional affairs often turn into physical ones but not always.