Happy new year. Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulations.

I went to the supermarket for my lunch and got a sandwich and a packet of crisps. The young girl at the checkout said:”would you like to go for a drink”? I was so shocked I said: “young lady I’m old enough to be your father “. She said: “the drink is part of the meal deal”.

Do weight watchers website have cookies?

I recently enjoyed watching it again. It’s a bit dated though but still enjoyable.

You could always get a job as a head gardener.

Did you hear about the two Gay ghosts? They gave each others the willies.

I loved their song.

To the person who stole my anti depressants. I hope your happy now.

A horse walks into a bar in the U.K. and the bar man says:@“why the long face”? Horse replies:” because this is a weatherspoons”.

Is it a hot tinned roof?

It’s not the monster in your closet you should be scared of. It’s the one under your bed.

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesaurus.

Football results. Real Madrid 1 surreal Madrid: fish.

I had beef stew with dumplings. I shouldn’t call her dumpling but she is really fat.

I do like it In my tea. Reincarnation milk.

Dad joke. A cannibal came back from holiday with just one arm. His friend asked:”what the hell happened to your arm”? The cannibal replied:” it was self catering “.

Yes, I’ll get my coat. Sorry.

Working in a funeral home.

I didn’t know there was a dad joke sub

Why couldn’t they fit the lid on Bob Marley coffin? It kept on jamming.